The Desert Inside

Life is busy at the moment for me. Things are moving and I am grateful for that. On the work side and also in the rest of my life lots of things are happening and after such a long time of struggling that is a great feeling. Yet the last two weeks have just been crazy and I am feeling quite run down. So finally there is an evening of me-time.

I am sitting on my bed not doing anything. Just sitting. Feelings pass by, thoughts follow. I watch them. Slowly they disappear in the sound of the sea. And that sound carries me to the desert. I never wrote about that time. That time in the desert.

It was around April and since my visa was expiring I drove up to Namibia so that coming back would get me an extension of three months. It was a journey shared with my mother. A time that cannot be compared to any other holiday I have ever been on.

Today as I close my tired eyes the desert opens up again - hours of driving, no radio, and miles and miles of nothing. How can nothing be so filled with everything? We do not talk much. The things that used to occupy my mind seem to have dissipated in the air. There is no smell. I realise I had expected lots of time for thinking. There is lots of time – but no thinking. I have seen landscapes that have overwhelmed me with there dramatic beauty. This is different. The desert does not hit me with an unexpected dramatic scenario. It touches me with an even more unexpected peacefulness and deep wisdom. Through this scentless air and the vast space that stretches out before me it infiltrates every corner of my being. I am aware of how small I am in this vast space and yet I sense how I am one with all of this.

There was one night that I remember even more deeply. We had somehow missed the campsite where we had planned to spend the night. I was sitting in the back of the bakkie watching the sun set through a cloud of red dust whiling up behind the car. It finally got dark and we decided it didn’t make sense to drive on and pitched the tent on the side of the road. We had no clue what was around us. All we could see was an enormous sea of stars. We sat and listened. Nothing. Not one single sound. There in the dark, listening to the silence all questions were answered.

Moving as one - A moment in my Aikido journey

I wrote this a few days ago for an Aikido publication.

I don't know if it will ever be printed but just thought I'd share it with you.

When I step onto the Tatami I never used to think of myself as a woman but just as another student. The fact that I was female didn’t really make a difference.

I started my training 8 years ago in Berlin, Germany and trained there for most of the time. When I came to South Africa suddenly I found myself very aware of being a woman practicing Aikido. This was not because of the differences in techniques or teaching styles but because so often I was the only woman at class. Whatever the reasons for this may be I have never found that Aikido in any way is more suitable for either male or female students.

Over the first years of my Aikido training I never picked up any book on Aikido philosophy. My teacher was also one that besides an occasional comment didn’t talk much about it on the mat. So all I did was practice. I loved it and had fun. Day after day on the Tatami the movements started to become part of my body and my life. I remember the first aspect about my Aikido practice that I put into words was about relationship. I guess for most people this isn’t the most obvious part abut the practice. On the mat we learn how to stay calm and centred in a stressful or even potentially dangerous situation. We learn about how to control a situation without getting hurt or hurting the other and there are many other important examples.

Yet the first thing I noticed was something else. On the mat I really feel who I am. I get completely absorbed in the practice – in the moment. And in one of those moments I realised that besides practicing to be moving from my own centre this was also because of my relationship between me and my partner on the mat. This was what I was looking for in my relationships. On the mat, there is no judgement. Uke attacks and puts all their energy into this attack. It doesn’t matter whether they are tall or short, old or young, male or female. They give you this attack not to hurt you but to help you improve your Aikido. And in that moment where uke really moves towards me from their centre and I meet them moving from mine – then there is this incredible sense of moving as one. We don’t come out as a winner and a looser but both just as who we are and with a big smile because of this amazing feeling of harmony.

So is this something for men only or women only? Sure maybe some of the challenges and lessons will be different, but isn’t that always the case? My little realisation about relationships is one little aspect. There are infinite challenges and lessons to learn in Aikido so lets get on the Tatami and have fun!

Loving life

What a fantastic day! I woke up and decided today is the day to have a cup of coffee again. To explain that one: I haven't had coffee in the last three month. And it was kind of a spiacial event. Sounds confusing, I know, but anyway - It was a good feeling.

So I walked down to the Empire Café here in Muizenberg and sat on the beach for a while before I went inside. Ordering my a Cafe Latte I looked out the window and felt peaceful. Not in any way a dramatic sensation, but just in the here and now.

And as I was looking out at the sea my phone rang and the Company I work for called to tell me, my visa and work permit had gone through! What fantastic news!!! For those of you who don't know, this also means I will finally get paid for the work of the last three month!

I spent a little longer really enjoying my coffee and then went back to the beach. Judge for yourself - life is though on a day like this in paradise ;-) Well, finally I also got a call to make a plan for me to view a flat today... I have seen the place from outside and it has just left me with a really positive feeling! So hold thumbs for me today! Am all excited and putting lots of good energy towards it!

Finally I also have to say that the long and tough road of my Shiatsu and Reiki work is starting to show some great results and more importantly also some wonderful feedback from people!

So today I am just grateful that all the inside and outside work I have put in over this last year is starting to show some fruit!!!

Thank you to all of you who have been of such great support for me!!!

Out of the dark

This was a bit of a dark moment a few days ago...

Feeling much better again today :) Guess it's just all part of life, so thought I'd post it anyway...

Not always pretty

Tonight our Aikido class had to be cancelled due to some logistical problem, so I have decided to instead write about some of my inspirations for tonight’s session. Generally Thursday classes are focussed a little more on the basics and I guess what I was thinking about becomes especially apparent when we practice basic techniques but of course is important at any level of practice.

Often – especially if we have practiced for a few years already - we have focussed a lot on principles like "maintaining our centre", “not being there when attack comes through" and "avoiding meeting force with force". These are all very critical principles in Aikido, but then there is also one that sometimes gets a little behind and that to my mind is just as critical and that has to do with the contact that happens between uke (the person that attacks) and tori (the one that executes the technique).

Aikido can look very pretty and can include big dramatic movements and especially at more advanced stages the contact becomes less physical and therefore less obvious to the observer. However, I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in the beauty of the movement and our need and sometimes ability to control that we start dismissing the importance of that contact.

So especially when we practice the very basic movements we get the chance to re-focus our attention on this. But what does that mean – this notion of contact? It really means that first of all – of course there needs to be a committed attack from uke, so that this contact can be established. From this the connection between the two partners can then be established. For us as tori it means that first of all we must acknowledge the attack. We must acknowledge the person we are working with and we must keep that awareness throughout the WHOLE movement. This sounds obvious but how often do we forget about uke halfway through the technique and get driven by our own ideas about what the technique must look like.

Now there is a point where one might argue that we cannot hand over the control to uke. And that is of course very true. However, there is a very distinct difference between giving away one’s centre and the skill of acknowledging and listening to uke and working with the attack.

This is a challenge for many of us and at the same time there is also the challenge of avoiding the clash – of the principle to not meet force by force. But avoiding the clash can never mean avoiding the contact. This would be fatal. Of course, as uke is playing along we might still be able to execute the technique. But in the face of a committed attack firstly uke will feel lost and secondly our self-involved approach will offer the gap for an attack that we might not have expected.

I even want to go further than just talking about the importance of that contact for the effectiveness and beauty of our Aikido. To me the importance of the contact and the connection that results from this reflects very clearly the value of respect and integrity that so often is associated with this martial art.

It seems easy to understand that we must always respect the person that we are working with. But how quickly do we forget that in the – not so pretty - reality of an attack. Of course an attack is not something we wish for. But if we are only able to keep the contact when things are pretty, then that is a huge lack of respect, because in dismissing the attack we disrespect uke. Reality is not always pretty and the real challenge comes in the moments where we are confronted with that. In those moments it is critical to maintain one’s centre, to not be a target for the attack and to not meet force by force, but it is equally important to maintain the contact and work with it creatively. So this is where I find integrity. Not in one set way of how things are done, not in a drawn out plan of answers but in the ability to be who we are and still keep the contact and respect those that cross our path even in the – sometimes not so pretty – face of reality.

This is a big challenge and I certainly haven’t mastered it but I was reminded today by some instance off the tatami and by my thoughts about tonight’s class. So again, I have become a little more aware of how crucial this is – whether it is on or off the mat. I think this is also what it means when we say that Aikido is possibly the most humble of all martial arts.

So this means life long practice for me and I know this practice will make a difference in my life and hopefully also - every now and then - touch those that cross my path.

Just thought this was beautiful...

Where lovers walk

Walking home from the station along the beach today I looked at the ocean stretching out before me and the mountain rising up behind me.
And I found myself thinking how peacefully these two exist beside each other. They are so different yet the sea is not questioning the solid nature of the land and the land is not judging the fluidity of the sea.

Gazing down the long beach I can feel the soft caress of the water where it meets the land. Gently washing in and out painting beautiful images in the sand that change instantly as the next wave rolls in. This is the place where the two touch. A place for birds to nest, for kids to play, for lovers to walk.

Just imagine if the land suddenly decided the sea was too fluid and would move in trying to control the centre of the sea. Or the sea would wash over the land trying to shape its centre into a body of water. What would happen to the mountain with all its beautiful bizarre rock formations and secret caves? What would happen to the ocean with all the dancing waves and deep waters? And what would happen to the beach that I am walking on? Where would the birds nest, the kids play and the lovers walk?

Of course, there are not only long white beaches and secluded lagoons but also harsh cliffs where the waves break hard. Watching the sea meeting the land with such force can be scary yet beautiful to watch. But even in those places, the two don’t threaten each others existence. The centre of the sea is still deep and quiet and the centre of the land is still solid and quiet.

Only sometimes, when I watch the sunset over the ocean or behind the mountain I have a sense that they touch each other in the centre. Respectfully and gently only with love where the rivers whisper to the earth.

I'm not sure

of the point

yet

but

I have something

to say

Illustration by L.J.C. Shimoda
from "The Fourth Treasure"
by Todd Shimoda