Gratitude

Yet another day that brings me back to thinking about plans and about this feeling of wanting to have control over ones life. We think we understand the fact that change is the only constant in life and that we cannot have comlete control. But thinking about this and actually accepting it are two very different things.

So far I have spent about 26 years on this planet and different people, events and emotions have crossed my path. Some have walked with me for a while some only appeared for a brief moment. These experiences have shaped the way I look at life and the way I live it. I see and interpret things because of how I have learned and decided to relate to the world.

So what if things do not happen according to how I expect them to be and how I think they fit into my logic about life?

I ask myself, why?!

This huge thing called ego comes out, convincing me that I have done something wrong; that I just have to find out what it is and then I will be able to fix things.

That is how most of us operate most of the time. That is how we are taught to think: Something goes wrong, we must analyse it, find the mistake, and do it differently next time. This is a useful approach, but only if we do not forget about the fact that our conclusions are always drawn from a foundation of assumptions, experiences and interpretations.

If a scientist for example performs an experiment and draws a conclusion from the results he or she has to be aware that his conclusion will always be a model only and will never describe the true nature of things.
The reason for this is that in setting up the experiment one has to use ones current understanding of the relationship of the variables. This does not mean that performing the experiment is a waste of time and the result without value. Science has offered very valuable insight and progress and will continue to do so. But only if we remain open to the fact that our findings can never be more than a model for the real nature of things, will we be able to progress further. We have to be able to put our ego aside and embrace unexpected findings.

However, this is not a thought that is exclusively applicable to science, it is applicable to all areas of our lives. How can we possibly assume that the way we perceive the world based on our own personal experiences resembles the truth? Again it is our ego that makes us believe this. And the danger in this is that we think if we do everything right according to our concept of life we will succeed in whatever we do.
Again, there is nothing wrong with using our experiences as a basis for how we choose to live our lives, as long as we remain open to surprises.

This sounds easy but how often do we think we are aware of this concept but still are so caught up in our own world. Sometimes only a traumatising or life threatening event can make us realize how pre-occupied we are with our own ideas about life. We forget, what a fragile treasure this life is. We or someone we love could be wiped out tomorrow by an earthquake, a life threatening disease or simply a car accident on the road without us having any control over the event.

So how can we possibly think that us doing “everything right” will result in complete control. Why are we so unable to accept, embrace and be grateful for unexpected events?

Yes, each and every one of us expriences difficult times and times of crisis. And one of the most important things is, that we have a space to express our sadness, grief and frustration. And hopefully even in times like that we will be able to look beyond our ego and feel gratitude for the gift of life and the oppotunity to grow every day.

Saturday 5pm

What am I doing with my day? It is Saturday 5 pm. What have I done today? Besides a walk around the corner to the tailor and to the shops I have just been sitting in this flat.

In the last few days, weeks, months I have done so much. And yet, how much has actually happened? Getting up, running, working, organizing, talking, wanting, trying, searching for a path that feels true. Getting tired, exhausted – all this effort and still not closer to where I need to be.

I stop. I sit here. The whole day.

Outside the mist is covering the mountain. Even if I wanted this to be the clearest day of the year, I couldn’t go up there and turn that mist away. It would be a completely pointless thing to do. That thought makes me feel peaceful and allows me be to grateful for the warm, safe space that I have.

My mind starts wondering off. Thinking about my Aikido training this week.
Because we have some gradings coming up, classes have been focused on very basic techniques. I remember my frustration in some moments. (For those of you who know me on the mat – guess what techniques: Yes, spot on – Kote gaeshi and Irimi nage ;-)

I know the movement. I see it in my head. I remember my teachers words about it, see the beauty of their movements passing through my mind. With all that in my mind I execute the technique. But nothing happens. Why? I’ve done it hundreds of times. Have practiced so much and still I get stuck.

And for a split second I am able to look at myself. I have so many details in my mind of what I think this technique looks like that I had forgotten about uke (the person that attacks). I had my own timing, a clear picture of how I wanted to get where I thought I needed to get to. Forgetting about the timing, the constitution, the movement, the intention of that person I was training with. I was in my own time zone, in this case moving way too quickly, taking shortcuts, just to realize that in the end I was no closer to where I needed to be.

I don’t want to say that all those times that I have practiced the movement of my hands and feet, and the right body placement are worthless. They are important and I need to practice these moves many many more times. All I realized was that all this effort has no value if I forget about the nature of the challange that I am facing.

Just as I felt this on the mat this week I feel it as I sit here looking at the mountain. I realize, that all this trying, moving and fixing that often determines our lives has no value if we forget to pay attention to the space and the timing that a particular challange requires.

So today I decided to stop. Realizing that there are no shortcuts to where I need to be. And just by stopping to do things and accepting that I cannot force the timing I find a peace that has been gone for a long long time.

Nothing doing

This post is not my own writing. It is from “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I found this in a magazine more than a year ago and since then have rediscovered it many times so I just want to share this here...

“I long for a small respite from the reaching, a moment of sweet stillness, quiet darkness, the great silence that can penetrate and loosen the small hard knots of endless trying. I want to quit running from my own tiredness I want to be willing and able to move only as fast as I am capable of moving, while still remaining connected to the impulse to move from deep within, stopping when I have lost that slender thread of desire and having the courage and faith to wait, in stillness, until I find it again.”

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
(The Invitation)

What if?

I wrote this post about two weeks ago.
It just didn’t feel right to post it yet.
Today it feels right.

A little while ago I wrote about the feeling when something or someone comes into our lives and makes us forget about our plans. The plans that we make so carefully just to ensure that nothing upstets us too much or excites us too much.

Every day I am faced with plans. With my own plans and with those of other peole. It is normal and gives life a certain framework. We have our short-term plans that help us get through the day and long-term plans for our lives and even for the lives of others.

I often get asked questions like: Where are you planning to go? How long are you planning to stay? What are you planning to do? – Be it in work, love, friendship or any other part of life.

Sometimes I try and give answers to these questions.
Sometimes I simply say: “I don’t know” and nothing more.

Usually the response to that is : “Oh yes, that’s right. Just see where life takes you. We never know anyway.” But I still see that puzzled look on the persons face as they turn away. They don’t know how to respond. Because they don’t have anything to hold on to.
But it is not just others. I also find myself asking the exact same questions about my own life. And I have the same puzzled look on my face when I don’t get an answer.

Plans help us to get through life when everything goes smothly. Linear – like we (for some obscure reason) expect life to be. But what if something unexpected happens?
It might just be a glimpse of something new that we integrate into our lives as one of those special moments.But what if it screws up our plans? And we find ourselves in a situation we never expected? It might bring us feelings we never knew existed. Feelings of endless joy or endless sadness or even both.

What ever it is that suddenly makes us question our plans, we will never be prepared. And in times like that we rarely receive understanding and empathy for our feelings. Not because our friends, partners or family don’t love us but because no one is prepared. No one knows how to deal with us.

Although each and every one of us has experienced such sudden unsettling changes we have not learned how to receive them. We re-act. Sometimes with resistance, sometimes with withdrawl. We struggle until we have rearranged our plans according to the new circumstances. And then we wait – until the next unexpected event hits us and unsettles our plans again.

This will work for a while and we might believe we are handling our lives well. But from inside it slowly starts to drain us. We become tired and close our hearts.

What if there is a way to learn to embrace the surprise and uncertainty that life has to offer? What if we can learn to let go of our attachment to a particular outcome and find a spirit that allows us to live life the way it really is?

Just a thank you to Sensei Franco Martufi and everyone that trained with us this weekend. I had a wonderful time and enjoyed every moment of it!!!