Saturday 5pm

What am I doing with my day? It is Saturday 5 pm. What have I done today? Besides a walk around the corner to the tailor and to the shops I have just been sitting in this flat.

In the last few days, weeks, months I have done so much. And yet, how much has actually happened? Getting up, running, working, organizing, talking, wanting, trying, searching for a path that feels true. Getting tired, exhausted – all this effort and still not closer to where I need to be.

I stop. I sit here. The whole day.

Outside the mist is covering the mountain. Even if I wanted this to be the clearest day of the year, I couldn’t go up there and turn that mist away. It would be a completely pointless thing to do. That thought makes me feel peaceful and allows me be to grateful for the warm, safe space that I have.

My mind starts wondering off. Thinking about my Aikido training this week.
Because we have some gradings coming up, classes have been focused on very basic techniques. I remember my frustration in some moments. (For those of you who know me on the mat – guess what techniques: Yes, spot on – Kote gaeshi and Irimi nage ;-)

I know the movement. I see it in my head. I remember my teachers words about it, see the beauty of their movements passing through my mind. With all that in my mind I execute the technique. But nothing happens. Why? I’ve done it hundreds of times. Have practiced so much and still I get stuck.

And for a split second I am able to look at myself. I have so many details in my mind of what I think this technique looks like that I had forgotten about uke (the person that attacks). I had my own timing, a clear picture of how I wanted to get where I thought I needed to get to. Forgetting about the timing, the constitution, the movement, the intention of that person I was training with. I was in my own time zone, in this case moving way too quickly, taking shortcuts, just to realize that in the end I was no closer to where I needed to be.

I don’t want to say that all those times that I have practiced the movement of my hands and feet, and the right body placement are worthless. They are important and I need to practice these moves many many more times. All I realized was that all this effort has no value if I forget about the nature of the challange that I am facing.

Just as I felt this on the mat this week I feel it as I sit here looking at the mountain. I realize, that all this trying, moving and fixing that often determines our lives has no value if we forget to pay attention to the space and the timing that a particular challange requires.

So today I decided to stop. Realizing that there are no shortcuts to where I need to be. And just by stopping to do things and accepting that I cannot force the timing I find a peace that has been gone for a long long time.