Some sadness

Most of you will still remember the outbreak of the Xenophobic attacks in May in South Africa. Those of you who know me will also know that after my return from Germany I got very involved in working with a group of Facilitators dealing with the situation in the Western Cape.

Now, months after my personal involvement in the initial process ended I am slowly starting to realise a sadness that has settled deep under the surface. Going back to an email that I wrote to a friend in August I remember my thoughts and concerns at the time. I had started the work with hardly any experience in the field knowing that "In a situation like this - even with the best of all intentions – you can do harm if you don't understand the context and if you don't think and act for the long-term."

So I worked very hard at understanding as much as possible of the context whilst also just keeping the process going in a time of crisis. But before I took up the work and throughout my involvement in the process I often asked myself why I was doing the work. I needed to make sure that I acted for the “right reason”. Was it real concern about the people? Was it about collectively moving us to a better place filled with respect and compassion? Or was it about me wanting to satisfy an egocentric need to help and “do-good”?

Only once I could answer those questions in a non-egocentric manner was I able to take up the challenge of the work.

Today, more than two months after my work for the provincial government in this respect has ended I feel a deep sadness. I am experiencing a void and a sense of powerlessness. Of course the challenges in the communities out there still remain. That is not a surprise and certainly not the reason for the sadness. The sadness really stems from not having a sense where three months of very hard work are going. Sometimes I have thought that I struggle because of a lack of recognition and appreciation of the work that we put in. But the longer I sit with it I realise that I do not feel a need for someone to appreciate my contribution. The one need I feel is to get a sense that the work was not wasted. Where are things moving to from here? What is the situation out there for those who have re-located into communities?

There are multiple factors (only some of which I understand) that have made it very difficult to take my own involvement forward. In addition it has become almost impossible to get a sense of how those who hold power over processes are taking the work further.

I have also seen how personal and political relationships and power-struggles have continuously compromised the implementation of concepts around values we often share. Recently, as we are moving into the longer-term phase of the reintegration-efforts, this has become particularly obvious and admittedly particularly painful for me.

So those are some of the reasons for the sadness I feel. Nevertheless I would do it again. I would approach many things differently but as difficult as it has been I do not regret a single day. I feel grateful to everyone I have worked with for teaching me hugely valuable lessons and I know that the sadness has its place and the joy will find its way again too.